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I am now reading The Accidental Santera and for some reason, it made me remember that I have yet to review Dirty Girls on Top by Alica Valdes- Rodriguez.

I shall do so and attempt to be quick about it.

First , let me say that I don’t think most reviews are worth a damn these days. It seems like no one wants to be negative, that we must PRAISE the novels regardless of issues of, well you know- QUALITY.

First, there are so damned many of them that I could NOT keep them straight. The only characters that jumped out at me were Usnavys and the one who used to be named Amber, oh and the lesbian negra colombiana.I cannot remember their names or really keep their stories apart, the characters werent fleshed out well enough for me.

There were some good points from MY POV.

Usnavys- black. The one who couldn’t have baby (Sara)- married to a saintly negro from Europe. The saintly colombiana- negra.Even the hottie Amaury- black.

Ok, here are their names- Lauren, Usnavys, Sara, Elizabeth, Cuicatl and Rebecca.

Ok. Lauren was the one who was a journalist screwing a hot no good Dominicano. Usnavys is the fat sista who cheats. Sara the lesbian with the adopted baby and evil horrid partner. Elizabeth, is she the one who cant have a baby? Cuicatl/Amber, the rocker. Rebecca, I think the jewish Cubana and I think she was blonde like Cristina. (Thats kinda how I remember her).

NOPE! Sara was the Cristina one and Elizabeth…oh hell, whatever.

Now, for the fun part- what I didnt like.

Usnavys sounded a helluva lot to me like Lula from the Stephanie Plum novels, which I suppose is fitting since they are from the ghettos of the same part of the country. Still, she was irritating and unpleasant and the inclusion of a big fat black woman was marred by the fact that said BBW was portrayed as Lula is, a big fat woman who dresses like she’s a supermodel and thinks shes fine, but is really a laughingstock. HOWEVER, Usnavys did learn not to be a whore like her (black) Dominican father and she left the fine brutha man she was trying to cheat with, because he suddenly morphed into an asshole who made fun of her Latina ways. She took up monogamy and became a good wife and mother and learned to accept that her husband, who was a Good Man, wasnt a pussy because he did housework and helped with the child.

Lauren? She was fuckin a Dominican hottie who dogged her out and was jealous of her student, who it turns out was also fuckin said Dominican hottie.

Cuicatl has issues with success and her music but ultimately finds love with her older manager.

Elizabeth finds that her partner is just a mean gringa bitch with no maternal instincts and they break up. Fortunately she hooks up with a lovely Latina who is a good mother and they seem to be on the way to forming a new family.

Rebecca? Hmm, which was she? Cooking show woman with the abusive husband gets her groove back with a lil cougarism and a new man who loves her AND playing video games with her kids.

The one who cant have a baby, has a black husband who is just absolutely amazing and a refuge from her evil racist parents.

Most of the women were struggling with motherhood. UsN trying to be a good mother and wondering what her role was. Cuicatl had some babies as a surrogate. Elizabeth left her mean wife and found a woman to be agood mother to her lil boy. THe one with the murderous husband found a new son/lover,lol. The one with the perfect life and husband couldnt havea damn kid.

In the end, ppl had their babies and got their partners and despite it all, it was quite traditional.

Boring.

Niggas aint shit. Amaury? Fuckin dog ass nigga. Usnavys dad? Dog ass nigga. Usnavys lover? Dog ass nigga in disguise. The AfroLatin and AfroAmerican men were all FUCKING DOGS. DOGS.Nothing good came from messing with one of them. EVERYONE who laid down with one ended up paying for it.

I’m just sayin’.

There was a good black man, he was a Brit I believe.

Im getting old, because this all bores me. Im glad one chick got her older man and one got her younger man. Im glad they all settled down and were happy, except Amaury’s lover, perhaps because she didnt repent and still had to pay for her sins.

Men are great. I love em. But does the world have to revolve around them? Does a woman have to learn to behave, become monogomous, give up freedom, and promiscuity in order to be happy. Maybe these women who damn near ALL seemed to have had either abusive parents or mates, should have just taken some time to fuckin CHILL and be alone.

UGH, USNAVYS turning over a new leaf and becoming Mrs Monogamy, that bothered me. It was like, heavyhanded.

I did laugh once, when someone said something looked good, how good. Gael Garcia Bernal face up in your bed good. I’m feeling her on that.

The rest? Blah. It was a decent piece of fluff, but too many characters and Im not one to praise minority works simply for existing.I appreciate the effort but it wasnt enough.

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Nicky Jam The Black Carpet

Dime Si Piensas en Mi

A hiphop-y synthy love song.Rather spare considering some of the orchestral creations we have been hearing lately. Its not extremely good, yet it grows on you. Its farily engaging, I give it a 7.

Calor

I hate the vocals on this cd so far. This has a very ambient techno sound and a slowed down beat and some droning “singing”. If this is a typical reggaeton power ballad, the beat will drop hard when the serious singing starts. If it doesn’t drop BIEN DURO, this is gonna be a failiure— yup. This is so laid back and so droning that it fails to engage me at all and starts grating on my nerves. I can do without ever hearing this again. 4

Gas Pelea

From the acapella intro, it sounds like its going to have some serious bass dropping. This falls under the category of Apocalyptic reggaeton- dark, with a militaristic tone and some sirens and gun sounds in it. The vocals are very monotonous and flat, its mixed so smoothly that nothing jumps out so it sort of just drags. Another 4.

Ton Ton Ton

RKM and KenY show up to croon over some bloopy techno sounds. All of the vocal performances lack intensity and the singing actually sounds sort of like Justin Timberlake or someone, gah. This is a paint by numbers track (cd),all the required parts are here and it just sounds stale and premanufactured to me. Modular reggaeton. Boring.4

Si Yo Fuera Tu Hombre

Well, its romantic and that acapella intro sounds like its gonna be a bachaton, when the beat drops we shall see if this is worth hearing. This is way too muted, the singing sucks, the bachata isn’t “bright” enough and remarkably, its not really exciting me. (I love bachaton) the percussion should be sharper and more upfront, the vocals pushed back. The rap part, however, is passable and I like it. 6

Ve y Dile

The intro sounds as if it may not be as muted as some of the other songs. Well, its another droning attempt at a romantic reggaeton. Im going to pass on this at 1 minuted into the song. I’ll rate it a 5 th ough, it isn’t horrible and it isn’t good. I just have no interest in hearing more.

Ella Quiere Candela

Well, interesting. A dance track with the same horrible vocals as the rest of the cd.This song would work if the vocals were WIPED out and the percussion amped up so all of it just hits a bit harder.

Desilucionado-

A droning romantic song. I actually like it better than the other droning tracks on this cd so I give it a 5. Does this make 2 songs in a row that say “bandolera?”.

Quedate con El

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS? Unless you are a glutton for punishment, avoid this track. Not even el poder del dembow can save this. However, there are a few seconds of guest vocals that I like.Still, avoid this one.

Tienes Que Ser Mia

The singing bugs me, the beat is typical reggaeton. But I ALMOST like the coro.Alm ost. Not enough to make the droning (droning crooning) tolerable.

Trankila

Well, I feel as if Im stuck in a video game.But we have some bellicose sounds here, sounds like an apolyptic song so maybe instead of romantic droming we will get some aggression up in heah. I pause to consider the logic of naming the most aggressive song on the cd “trankila”. I give this a 6, I can tolerate it and maybe could enjoy it if I hadn’t heard 1000 other songs that sounded the asme. Like the entire Sangre Nueva cd.

Solo y Sin Amor

This is a sad song, some singing. A bachata. I have to skip it. Rating so far-3 I mean, it doesn’t make my ears bleed.

Cambiar la Rutina

Well, this holds promise. No crooning, no droning and the vocals are up front and rather crisp. The snareas are almost sharp and the beat is fairlt distinct.I actually am going to give this a 7, mostly because I am so glad this cd is over.

This is the worst reggaeton cd I have EVER heard.

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Upcoming Posts

I am on vacation, at last. I will take time out to make an editorial calendar, of sorts, so I can have a nice schedule of posting at the ready.

I have some music I plan to review, so far the list includes:

Angel Canales- A whole bunch

Anthony Cruz- Para Mi Gente

Khriz y Angel- Showtime

Nicky Jam- The Black Carpet

Chachao- Cuban Jam Session

There are many many more, my current review queue has 150 cds on it. So, stay tuned.

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New Reggaeton Tracks

Let me give my quick take on some new music I’ve heard lately

Plan B- La Velocidad

Its ok, a little boring to me.

Jomar Featuring Trebol Clan- No Sufras Mas
Ah,Trebol Clan is here to rescue the women from their evil men once again.I like it, though it reminds me a lot of No Le Temas a El.

Guanabanas [Los Reyes De La Pichaera]-Noche De Lobo

Hmm, I like this one. Its good, but not great. Its got a good slow groove, but its a touch tooo laid back and isnt really hooking me.But its got a nice macho aggressive feel.

Trebol Clan-Cenicienta

Hmm, they are whining a little too much for my tastes here. But theres a solid song underneath the weak vocals.

Magnate-Nuestro Amor Es Asi

Hmm, the vocals are way too whispery and soft for me. But this is a nice romantic song, solid and the girls will like it.

Magnate Featuring Arcangel- Amor Es

Better. Harder, a little more techno and “crisper” more distinct percussion. Still a soft romantic song, but with enough edge to make it appealing to the club goers. It will make u bob your head, so it works for me.

Los Capos Jowell y Randy Ft. Zion, De La Ghetto, Nejo, & Dalmata- Intro

I’m feeling this. Fiah! No really, FIAH!

Guayo Man featuring Virus & Shorty – Gata Boom

Yeah, this is pretty damned hot.

Dalmata- Sexo En La Playa

I dont like Dalmata. Um, is that an organ? Is this church? I hate his flow. Hate hate hate.
But hey, see if you like it better than I do.

Arcangel ft Three Flow Music- Bonita Remix

This is pretty good. But I like almost everything Arcangel does. La Maravilla!!

Trebol Clan- Dale Duro
Ok, nice and “duro” but a little boring. Still, its good to dance to.

Don Omar F Wisin y Yandel- La Pared
This is hot. I like it a lot. Don’t love it, but I’d spend a weekend with it.

More Arcangel- Mujer Marravillosa
Y’all know he can do no wrong, right?

Chica Virtual. I feel like Im clubbin back in the 90’s!! I love this one. My friend came in and did The Robot when he heard it,lol.

Gallego- Imaginate

I love this. A friend and I are fighting over whether it sounds like cumbia or dub.

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