Posts Tagged ‘predictions’

A Repost From August 2007-


Well, the year is half over. What do the wonderful artistes of reggaeton have in store for us?
Here are MY predictions for 2008.

The Pope, for reasons known only to him,becomes enamored of the Puerto Ricans and Dominicans.Perhaps he feels he has to up his coolness factor, the sunglasses, suits and cars being inadequate reflection of the grandeur and coolness that is God. Perhaps its jealousy at the progress the Evangelicals are making.Perhaps it is due to a typographical error in the transcripts of late night Vatican brainstorming sessions. But the Pope decides to revive the Latin Masses and he begins by doing an entire sermon in reggaeton.

In an inspired bit of musical genius, he records a duet with Arcangel.

Arcangel agrees, believing it to be a miracle that he has thus far recorded with every reggaeton artist ever and has yet to release a solo cd.

Arcangel records a duet with Satan, sealing his place in the record books as most Cameo-ed artist ever.The song is FIAH!

Calle 13, in a fit of pique at The Church, The Man, THE OPPRESSOR co-opting his culture, records an anti-Catholic song entitled “Papi Culo”. The video, which features young latinos lined up, bent over as Priests in muscle shirts dance perreo, lasso them with giant rosaries and smack their asses with crucifixes, becomes a smash hit.Residente makes the talk show circuit explaining that this is his protest against pedophilia in the church.

Sales of black mesh shirts and clerical collars jump sharply throughout New York and the Spanish Caribbean.

Don Omar gives up all pretense of being hardcore and transforms himself into the Keith Sweat of reggaeton. His song “Punales, panales”, a tearjerker about men who refuse to pay child support, launches him into the Reggaeton Stratosphere.
In a display of solidarity with his female fans and to do penance for the sins of man, he crucifies himself in concert.

Tego Calderon, disgusted by this disassociates himself from reggaeton. After the surprise success of Arcangel’s live show in the Dominican Republic, accompanied by violins, Tego has a vision. He teams up with Alfredo de la Fe and their new cd “Metele Charangaton” is born.

The surprise hit is the charangaton version of Ojitos Chinos. When the video of the RMX featuring Vanessa Mae is released, sales jump. Not surprising considering she appears in nothing but a gstring and taino petroglyph embossed metal pasties.

Emboldened, Wisin y Yandel come out with Cuerpo De Violina, Again, the video is a smash, featuring women wearing outfits comprised of nothing but metal strings that W y Yandel play like maestros.No one will ever know what they use as bows, as the video has large portions pixelated.

Jay Z hears Ojitos Chinos and has a lightbulb moment. He recruits the Chinese guy from the Two Live crew to record a reggaeton cd. Rumor has it that the name is catchy, but as no one in the Latino or Chinese community is able to state clearly if it is:Tlabarengua, trabarengua, tlabalengua. It is commonly refered to as That CD by Jigga and the Chinese guy who used to be with Luke.

Inspired by the smash success of Mayor Que Yo Pt 27, Ivy Queen finally finds true love with Tainy.She records one last song with the title, “Y que?” roughly translated as, “I cried when you left me you but now Im having marathon sex with a man who will still be young and breaking me down long after your old ass is dead so who is crying now motherfucker”. She retires and concentrates on her clothing line.

A new female takes her place, seeming out of nowhere. Her cd is wildly popular with tracks such as

Loca Pero Sabrosa
Pelo Sudo Suelo, a romantic tale of seduction
Mas Loca Que Nunca

El Cheque Ta Tarde No Me Voy De Party, a feminist rant about late alimony payments and how the burden of childcare often falls unfairly on mothers and how the hell is she supposed to go to the club when her weave is loose and her nails need a fill-in

Caballo Negro (To All the Men I’ve Loved Before)

Her success attracts a fair bit of negative attention. All hell breaks loose when her salsaaton track Mas Sabrosa es Mi Mambosa is met with a fierce tirarea from La Sista.

Feeling persecuted she launches tirades against everyone, including a song mocking Ivy Queen’s clothing line. Reggaetonera tijeras. Ivy Queen is flattered until the line saying she doesnt need scissors when she has THOSE nails. The video featuring a beweaved mulatta Edward Scissorhands sets off a firestorm of tirareas between all the female reggaeton artists around the world.

The fans are thrilled at this “bitch fight” and record sales go up significantly.

Gloria Estefan records a reggaeton track.

The “bitch fight” phenomenon comes to a scandalous end when the new artist and La Sista are photographed at a luxury spa in Santo Domingo getting their feet done and trying to convince Ivy Queen that its time to give up the creamy crack.

Ivy Queen launches a new cd “It Was All About Los Benjamins”, featuring the song, Poison Ivy. The cd single cover features her wallowing in money as her newly aquired green tinted 2-strand twists writhe around and strangle her detractors.

Feeling that all the good names are taken (Baby, Daddy, Father,etc), and that all the good roles are taken (bad boy, militant,nasty boy, roughneck, freak, etc) a new artist comes out, calling himself Tio Taco.He dresses in thug clothing with traditional jibaro accessories and promotes PR independence while jumping around like a clown. As most people dont understand the role of “fool” or “jester”, they laugh at his message.Sales of Pavas and blinged out machetes increase 10 fold however
Tego, disgusted by the ignorance of the people, renounces reggaeton,dresses in only white clothing and takes up bomba.Metele Bombon becomes a smash hit.The RMX video featuring thick morenas wearing nothing but white bikinis and polka-dot headscarves is again, a smash hit.

Not content with the sucess of Tainy or of Reggaeton Ninos, Luny Tunes comes out with a new artist- El Bebe. The hit Wah Wah Wah breaks all previously set sales records. The video is a, you guessed it, smash hit. In a remarkable turn of events, the feminists applaud and defend it stating that the bare breasts of nursing mothers is a completely natural thing and its about time popular culture promotes it.

Don Chezina sues for copyright infrigement, pointing out similarities to his Tra Tra song. But the suit is postponed until 2025, when El Bebe turns 18, after he has an attack of colic in the courtroom and vomits on the judge.

Ivy Queen comes out with a new line of bustiers that look remarkably like rhinestone encrusted nursing bras.It becomes all the rage in the clubs to go out with the flaps of the bras open.

Tego moves to Ghana.

I cant WAIT till 2009!!!!!!

But what ever will I do with my closet full of bejeweled nursing bras, pavas,blinged out machetes, polka dot headrags and clerical collars????

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